Questions

So I went to Istanbul looking for an answer.

OK . . . more like looking to confirm the answer I thought I had.

What I found was a lot of questions.

I wanted certainty and came away more uncertain than ever, but I'm OK with that. I rejoice in the life lessons I am learning, the things I need to process, and the way God is growing and maturing me. I see Him in all these experiences, even unpleasant ones. He is good, and His hand is guiding me.

Hope renewed

Shortly after getting back from Turkey, a couple things happened that caused hope to be reborn in my heart, after releasing an unfulfilled hope I had been holding on to for too long. And I found that I was afraid of it. One of these things was seeing an advertisement for a Xian dance company in London looking for a couple dancers. At first my heart soared, but then I found I was telling myself it was a long shot. That it wouldn't happen, I'm out of shape, they'll be too good, etc. Actually, I'm still struggling with trying to protect my heart against this hope. I shouldn't do this- I must hope. (By the way, I took company class with them 2 weeks ago and I will be invited to the audition in December.)

In the other thing, I have dared to hope. I find that as it comes closer to being realized, hope fills my heart until I feel as if I will burst. Doubt tries to creep in, but I choose to believe. I believe Lord, that you will give me the desires of my heart! I will hope, though the anticipation is overwhelming me. Though the deferring of hope is stretching me until I can stretch no more. Though the denial may crush me. Though the reality may be different than the dream.

I will hope.

Update

Hey ... It's been awhile. Sorry about that (for anyone who actually checks my blog). So, a quick update.

I started a new job. I'm still at Salisbury College, but now I'm a Teaching Assistant. I'm pretty exhausted, partly because of the longer hours, and partly just because it's difficult. It's a newly created post so it's really frustrating trying to figure out exactly what my role is.

As of Tuesday, my parents are divorced, just 4 short months after things hit the fan. I know I haven't posted anything about this yet- just that ambiguous post about needing a hug. My dad's not coping so well- please pray for him. He's started going to church again (churches that actually preach the truth rather than the one we went to while I was growing up), and I really pray this whole awful situation leads him to see his need for Jesus.

My happy news is that next Saturday I'm going to Istanbul for a week :) I'm really excited. I know I just got back from Turkey ... but my time on the library computer is up so I'll just have to post all about it when I get back.