need your help

A friend recently sent an email containing an honest 'IM' conversation about his and another friend's struggles and doubts. And it's forced me to see that I also need to be honest about how far away I am from God. Firstly, with myself. It's taken a long time for me to admit it even to myself. And once I did, I needed to confess it to someone else. So I've written the friend, knowing that I am safe from judgement with someone who's also struggling. But I also need help, so I write my confession here.

I'm dead inside. God is nowhere in my life right now. I still thank Him for my food, I still go to church and bible study, I sing to Him, but I'm not leading my life as if He's important. I'm not reading the Word. I'm not praying, not really. I'm not a witness, I'm not reaching out, I'm not showing Him to anyone else with my life. I'm leading a completely selfish life, wrapped up in myself. And getting wrapped up in selfishness is a downward spiral- I can't pull myself out of the negativity and gossip at work, I can't talk to Him because I feel guilty for not doing so before, I don't read His word because it's been so long I think- what's the point now? And it all just presses me further and further down, farther away from Him.

The thing is, alot of the time I feel ok, "happy" even. I can distract myself. When guilt or despair threatens to come too close, I "do" something so I don't have to think about it, so I don't have to face it. I lose myself in a novel. I go out line dancing, I have fun. But it's not fulfilling. This selfish life does not and cannot fulfill me. I know it, but I don't have any motivation to change.

And I know why I am here, too. It's because I don't have the fellowship I need here. I have a great Bible study group that I see 2 or 3 Tuesday evenings out of 4, for an hour or two. And that's it. When I think back to Akron- Univeristy, The Chapel, Mosaic- and how great it was to be surrounded by passionate believers all the time...

But that's what makes me question my faith even more. If my faith only exists when I'm surrounded by Christians, if it can't stand alone- is it good enough? When I talk to someone who's really passionate for God, it inspires me. I want it. And I'm acutely aware that I don't have it. Have I ever really have it, on my own? Was it God who inspired me and motivated me to read the Word and praise Him, or just the faith of others? Why don't I have the passion that other people have? So I find myself asking, has my faith ever been good enough, strong enough, real enough?

I still believe everything I did before, with my head, my mind. I know the Truth. I believe it. But my heart's sick and full of doubt, and I've just been numbing it. Shutting it down, because I don't want to face the questions it has. And as I turn away from the cries of my heart, I shut the door on hope. My friend, in his email, said about hope:
"but with out it I have nothing. As unfulfilling as it has been to have hope yet no rewards, without it I'm still left empty handed. I don't know what there is without hope...apparantly it's nothing cause that what I feel now nothing there is this huge void that is still there despite how much I have been distracting myself from seeing it." I feel like I've been killing hope. This post from m3gan3lizab3th really broke me:
WhAt iS HoPe?
to want? to desire?
to expect that what's envisioned may indeed happen?
YES all of the above. is hope that gut feeling that its worth hanging on for just a little longer?
ABSOLUTELY.
is hope the core of human condition?
CERTAINLY.
Can you have hope without faith,humility and wonder?
THATS TOUGH.
just the thought that there's something bigger, something truer, something totally surprising out there waiting for us is..... priceless.
what would you be without hope growing deep in your bones, thriving in every inch of you?
NOTHING ......

because I don't have hope right now. For anything.

So... I don't know. But I've spiraled so far down that I can't even pray for myself. To fall back on some Jars of Clay lyrics:

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...
frail

So with great struggling with my pride and fear of being judged, I will be frail. To all of you who know, care about, or love me, I admit that I've fallen beyond being able to get back on my own. I desperately need you to reach out with your prayers and pick me up. I can do nothing to be restored. only with His grace, and your help...