Chloe's Blog

The cowardly path

2008-03-16T20:49:00.002Z

It's so much easier to set yourself up as a loner than to reach out and be rejected. Easy to pretend you don't need anyone even if you know it's a lie. Easier to let people think you're strong than to correct them and show them your fears. Easy to hide behind the image of someone who prefers to be alone that you've become good at projecting. Much easier to let the walls stand than to tear down the protection you've built brick by brick.

The debut of Mary Ellen Huckleberry

2008-01-21T21:09:00.000Z

Oh the things I get dragged into...

USA

2007-12-23T14:39:00.000Z

Sheesh, it's been awhile since I've posted.

Anyhow, just a quick one to say I'm in the US for Christmas. I'll be up in Canton for a few days over New Year's, if you want to meet up then shoot me an email!

New addy

2007-09-14T21:02:00.000+01:00

I'm moving tomorrow, so email me if you need my new address.

And the BAD news is, no internet set up yet :( :( :( How on earth will I survive?!

Anyone else?

2007-09-09T21:23:00.000+01:00

Do you ever experience loneliness so overwhelming you feel like you're drowning in it?
Is anyone else honest enough to admit that even though you know God hears your cries, even though He loves you more than you'll ever comprehend, all you really want is a pair of arms to hold you?
Or am I the only one?

Trusting, or just foolish?

2007-08-23T12:11:00.000+01:00

Is it foolish to continually believe the best of people, to trust them until given reason not to? To take their words at face value and leave it at that? Maybe I choose not to see things or assume things that may be obvious to others, but I don't think I'm naive, I really don't. I don't squeeze my eyes shut, clap my hands over my hears and yell "LA LA LA can't hear it, can't see it, so it's not happening." I won't go into denial or invent excuses so that I can carry on believing something isn't true. I know that people screw up, and even that they don't always have the best of intentions. But I don't want to start by assuming that this is the case.

So what do you do when you've seen something you'd rather not, or when someone lets you down or hurts you? Do you let it eat away at your faith in human nature? Do people have to work harder to earn your trust, do you become always on your guard? It would result in less heartache- after all, if you don't expect much from people then they can't disappoint you. And there's probably quite a bit of wisdom in erring on the side of caution.

But I don't want to become jaded, and I don't want to be cynical. Hey, I've been hurt and I've been disappointed. Sometimes I've been completely shocked by it and sometimes I haven't, but I've never expected it. I've always chosen to put it aside and continue being generous with my trust. And it's a deliberate choice that I've been proud of. But there's a little part of me that's wondering if it's just foolishness. It certainly almost got me into a compromising situation a couple months ago. I felt like a fool then, I admit. I should have foreseen it & should have known better- perhaps I was naive.

So is the choice cynicism or naivety? Is there an in between? Can I be trusting without being gullible? Or can I be cautious without feeling jaded?

Gonna be a film star!

2007-08-17T20:09:00.000+01:00

Haha, not likely. But I am going up north on Sunday to film a video- a teaching DVD for line dance.

Check out: http://www.learntolinedance.co.uk/

And while you're at it, check out Kas & Andy, who invited me to do this thing, at http://www.brushwood.uk.com/

Back from hols

2007-08-15T09:51:00.001+01:00

It's nice to be home =) Although, I kind of thought summer was going to arrive in England while I was away, but it appears that is not the case. It's still miserable, rainy, and not very warm, but never mind. At least I can do laundry and shower without shoes on now.

Here's a few random travel tips from my experiences:

~ Don't fly from London Stansted airport. This is the most badly organized airport I've ever been to, and I've been to quite a few.

~ How to find your way in Slovenia: Open up a map. Try to look as lost and confused as possible. Some very nice Slovenian will immediately stop and give you directions.

~ Venice: visit Burano! It rocks, and you can easily lose the crowds there. But go to the toilet before you go, cause the one on the island is ridiculously hard to find.

~ People watching by the rain in the main square in Ljubljana is the best! Every town should have it's own rain cloud.

~ Solitaire does not work on trains or on park benches!

~ If you go to Croatia, give Zagreb a miss. If you have to change trains there, stand in front of the station and look at the squares ahead of you- it looks nice from there. Don't bother exploring any further, you'll just get depressed.

Will try to post more about the trip later, but I gotta start that laundry now. And buy milk- I'm desperate for a proper cuppa.

not Slovenia :(

2007-08-11T17:12:00.000+01:00

And I should have stayed there (refer to post below). Zagreb just may be the most horrible place I've ever been.

Cassie & I got carried away and decided it would be fun to visit Croatia. And I'm sure it would be, if we were anywhere but this city. I hate everything about it. Two nights is far too long... ah well, you learn from these things.

Slovenia

2007-08-10T08:35:00.000+01:00

I do believe that Slovenia just may be the most beautiful place I have ever been.

27

2007-07-29T08:55:00.000+01:00

I'm 27 today!

Hope

2007-07-15T21:34:00.000+01:00

"I remained on the ladder, looking at the figurine in my hand. You're wrong, Aunt Josie,
I thought. It's not pride I'm feeling. It's another sin. Worse than all the other ones, which are
immediate, violent, and hot. This one sites inside you quietly and eats you from the inside out
like the trichina worms the pigs get. It's the Eighth Deadly Sin. The one God left out.

Hope."
~A Gathering Light by Jennifer Donnelly

Until I read this passage, I thought I'd dealt with this...

New photos

2007-07-15T21:26:00.000+01:00

Just uploaded photos from Spain, the Isle of Wight, and Imber:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chloelt/

I need to have a good clear out of my flickr site 'cause I've run out of room, so I'll be deleting a bunch of photos in the near future. A lot of the Spain ones will probably go because most of them aren't that great, so if you want to have a look at my holiday pics, do it soon!

Mansfield Park- Finis

2007-07-03T22:07:00.000+01:00

The absolute best thing about a Jane Austen novel is that the truly deserving characters always live happily ever after. Give me happily ever after any day. =)

Mansfield Park

2007-07-02T22:21:00.000+01:00

Who would have thought that Jane Austen could be so captivating, that one could be so glued to novels in which little more happens than people falling in love, or not falling in love, arrogant men offering unwelcome proposals, silly sisters embarrassing their family, and irksome aunts and mothers meddling in others' business? But gripping it is- how can I now leave these pages and go to bed with poor, sweet Fanny Price in such an agitated state!? But alas! to bed I must, as there are yet a few hours of reading left in her story...

Now what?

2007-06-26T18:24:00.001+01:00

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I've had two REALLY frustrating and stressful weeks at work, and I really thought they were over as of yesterday.

But ah, 'tis not to be...

Another bonus?

2007-06-20T06:53:00.000+01:00

Another reason why it's great to live in England:

Everyone else is pale too :)

I have, however, found one thing I can finally admit to missing about America: thunderstorms. Thought we were gonna have one yesterday but it was all a tease. I'd love a really great, thunder and lightning and tipping down with rain, storm. Preferably not while I'm walking to work though.

Two nights in Madrid

2007-06-02T20:15:00.000+01:00

I kind of like the solitude of being alone in a crowded city where you can't understand a word that anyone is saying.

And once you've sorted out the underground in one city, any other metro system is a piece of cake :)

Summer holiday

2007-04-28T17:49:00.000+01:00

By the way, Cassie and I booked our flights to Minsk Thursday evening.
Belarus here we come!

Now, you didn't really believe me did you? Why on EARTH would anyone want to go to Minsk??? But that's what makes it so funny that everyone at work believes us... not sure when we're going to tell them where we're actually going.

If you're confused- we DID book flights on Thursday but NOT to Minsk. Competetion on my xanga blog to see who can guess where we ARE going for two weeks this summer. Hint: it is Europe.

Celebrate success!

2007-04-27T17:57:00.000+01:00

Today, right now, I celebrate the success of Ady, Sam, Lucas, Alan, Rachel, Joe, Phil, James, Chris, Sarah, and Matt. I taught them math, but each one of them had to come to a point where they believed in themselves in order to pass their exam today. Which they did, and I'm so proud of them!!!! I rejoice in their acheivement, and I am proud of myself for helping them along the way. Thanks Lord for giving me this group- as much grief, stress, frustration, and worry as they may have caused me at various times, today they brought me joy :)

Travel Plans

2007-04-20T18:27:00.000+01:00

Just an update on up-and-coming travels... going to Spain in, let's see, 5 weeks tomorrow. yay :)

Also, my friend Cassie and I would like to travel somewhere together for a couple weeks in the summer. We're thinking Minsk.

Any suggestions?

2007-04-16T17:57:00.001+01:00

How do you change someone's attitudes? How do you encourage someone to open their mind? How do you do you fight the racism that is so ingrained in someone because they've been brought up with it- from infancy they have been taught to scorn everyone who is different from themselves? When it runs that deep, when they've been trained and formed to think that way, when it's completely irrational but so deeply rooted in them, how, HOW, do you encourage change? There must be a way...

Deep philosophical waking thoughts

2007-04-04T08:48:00.000+01:00

I woke up this morning and immediately came to a profound conclusion:
I really can't cope with winter.

Today I woke up before my alarm went off- again. And I was awake! I didn't want to sleep for a few more hours. I have energy! Get up! Get stuff done! Why? Because the SUN is SHINING!!! Well, ok maybe some of it is to do with the fact that I'm on holiday and don't have to go to work. But mainly it's because there's SUNSHINE.

We should pay more attention to the animal kingdom- winter is for hibernating. We shouldn't have to go to work in the dark and leave work again in the dark. It's depressing. I've been saying for awhile now that I need to find a job that requires 6 months of the year in Australia and 6 months in the northern hemisphere- then I could miss out winter altogether. Any suggestions?

Anyhow- I'm off to go use the energy, get stuff done, seize the day, see the sunshine, revel in the fact that it's spring and I can say goodbye to winter for another 6 months...

Thailand photos up!

2007-03-18T17:01:00.001Z

www.flickr.com/photos/chloelt

His sorrow, mine

2007-03-14T18:06:00.001Z

And my heart breaks a little more....

My life was so much easier when I hated teenagers. Caring is so damn hard.
Even so, I wouldn't change a thing.

But I wonder- how can one group of young people rip my heart to pieces week after week, when they've already broken it so many times? What's left? Hopefully the answer to that will be: God's heart.

Some encouragement to wrap up the week

2007-01-19T21:35:00.000Z

This afternoon, one of the classes I work in took their Literacy exam. Just over half of them passed, which is great. The ones who failed are the ones who goof off and muck about, or don't bother to come to the lesson, so that wasn't surprising.

The student I've worked with one-to-one on the literacy, and who really struggles with it- mainly due to low self-esteem- passed. Hooray! He desperately needs to believe in himself, and this should be a bit of a boost for his confidence.

As for me, I've had a really rough week. I feel so powerless to do anything about all the troubles of these lost teens around me. We've had students fighting, students walking out of class, students in tears at the mention of fractions. And I'm just caring really hard right now. (Does that make sense?)

So, it's a heartening end to a long week to learn that I am, indeed, making a difference.

:) :) :)

Less than ideal

2007-01-16T19:31:00.000Z

I was dancing in the kitchen last night, and even though dancing in the kitchen makes me happy, it also made me really sad.

There was a time when I couldn't be in a kitchen for more than 30 seconds before I was doing pirouettes. That was a long time ago- I can't even remember the last time I was pirouetting and developé-ing and piqué-ing around the kitchen. What's happened to me? How can I be so far removed from dance at the moment that I can go into my kitchen and not start doing ballet?

Not dancing in the kitchen sucks. The good news is, that's easily fixed

So here's something else getting me down: the education system here. How is it possible for a 16 year-old to finish school, be enrolled on a full-time course at college (Side note: remember college does not equal university. Think vocational courses.), and not know what a comma is- let alone how to use one??? Times tables- you're joking right? Subtraction- well, we're usually ok with 64-33 for example, but 64-35 and you can forget it. I'm not talking about the odd student. I'm not talking about students with dyslexia or learning difficulties. I'm talking about MOST students. They've JUST FINISHED school. What were they doing there? What are the teachers doing? These kids deserve better!!! How can the standard, the norm, be to just keep passing them throught the system even though they haven't learned anything, so they just get further and further behind?? No wonder British teens are such ignorant delinquents with no motivation, ambition, or purpose!

And then they come to college, and are expected to get their literacy and numeracy qualifications alongside their vocational qualification. Not that they need those to pass the course though, so they don't really care. And they only have math for an hour a week. Oh yeah, and that's one teacher and one teaching assistant to 20 rowdy 16 & 17 year olds who are at VASTLY different levels and abilities.

Just feeling a bit frustrated because I really want them to be able to do maths. I want them to learn. I want to teach them, especially the ones who try hard but have difficulty, or the ones who want to work at a higher level but need the guidance to acheive it. But there's not enough. There's not enough time and there's not enough people who care.

I hope I don't sound like I'm just complaining or whining, this is just what's on my heart lately. I want to do so much. I'm doing what I can and it's just not enough.

Photos up from my trek!

2007-01-09T22:46:00.000Z

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chloelt

Banished? No, please not Basingstoke!

2006-12-14T22:10:00.000Z

Yesterday at work, I got to go on the trip to the Pantomime.

OH NO YOU DIDN'T!

OH YES I DID!

I love the pantomime. Last year was my first pantomime experience, and I was really lucky to get to go again this year. (Sometimes this job does have its perks.) I was such a kid, grinning and yelling just as much as the students and school children.

Children? Where?

THEY'RE BEHIND YOU!

Where?

BEHIND YOU!!!

Slapstick comedy, corny, predictable jokes much the same as last year's, men in dresses, lots of glitter, what's not to love? I feel a sing-song coming on...I likee you and you likee me...

Believe it or not, this post would actually make sense if you had ever seen a British pantomime. But it doesn't, as you haven't. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Hsssssssssssssssssssss!

I pity you, poor folks who have never had the experience. Really.

Just two

2006-11-29T18:17:00.000Z

I have 2 things to say about the group of 16 & 17 year olds I work with every Wednesday.

1) I believe in them. I believe they can become mature, responsible adults. I believe they have goals and dreams, and that they can acheive them. I believe they can pass their Level 1 math & english exams. I believe they can be better people. I can see so much potential and sometimes, I can see it starting to become reality.

2) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Thanksgiving

2006-11-24T07:33:00.000Z

So, I decided to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. (Last year I very nearly forgot it was even happening.)

And let me tell you, the people I work with are so incredible awesome. I had Thanksgiving cards, which took some thought as they had to be made :) Charlotte bought me a gravy boat, knowing it was the one thing I really needed for my dinner, and Howard got me flowers that were perfect for the table. The only thing they wouldn't give me was the day off work!!! I was walking home carrying all my stuff just feeling so blessed to work with such wonderful, wonderful people. (OK, so maybe they don't quite understand how Thanksgiving works, but I can't complain ;) )

I managed to pull off dinner but not without my housemate Chris who took over the chicken and roasting vegetables while I was panicking going "What else needs doing? Oh yeah! Bread! What else? Ahhh!" How on EARTH do people do this on their own??? But then again, I guess they do get the whole day to cook. There are several things I definitely could have improved on, but as it was my first time doing any of it, from roasting a chicken (not enough time for turkey) to making cranberry sauce, I'm pleased with how it went.

All in all, it was pretty cool to have 5 people sat round the kitchen table (Ian & Sarah, Chris, Cassie- if you're wondering) having Thanksgiving dinner, and to thank God for having family to celebrate with. :)

Share the joy

2006-11-02T00:15:00.000Z

Matt moved out today...

really and truly...

REJOICE WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm off

2006-10-21T07:03:00.000+01:00

Well, I'm off on an ADVENTURE :)

In the next week, I'll walk 90 miles, if nothing goes wrong. If I'm not fit enough now, I certainly will be by next Saturday!

Wales here I come!!!

confrontation

2006-10-19T20:53:00.000+01:00

I'm fairly certain that God has put Matt in my life to teach me about confrontation.

Confrontation. aaah! run away. hide. IhateitIhateitIhateitIhateitIhateit. I'm, well, terrified of it.

But... sometimes it's got to happen. And it's ok. Really. (I still hate it though.)

So I guess I should... thank God for horrid, dirty, obnoxious housemates. That's hard to do, but I'll try.

Reflections of last Sunday

2006-10-08T09:35:00.000+01:00

I meant to write this post a week ago, but never mind. Here are a few reflections from my travels to London for a ballet class last Sunday.

1. If you're on a schedule (i.e. have to be somewhere at a certain time), don't travel by train on a Sunday. If you must, leave at least 3 extra hours to get there. Then you might stand a chance of getting there on time. But it's probably better to not bother going in the first place.

2. I try to like London, I really do. My overall impression of London is not bad. Except every time I actually go there, I end up near (or in) tears and wanting to get the heck out. There have been a couple sucessful trips to London in which I haven't gotten upset, but those occasions are rare. It's just so blasted crowded. I hate crowds. I mean I really, really hate them.

3. Props to me for ever thinking I would be in a professional ballet company, cause you gotta believe in yourself and all that. Aim high. Reach for the stars. Anything's possible with God. But I sure am glad that's not my desire anymore. It's just that good is not good enough. Really really good is not good enough. You have to be the best. And being tall and skinny with no breasts doesn't hurt either.
(I am talking specifically about ballet, not all dance, just so there's no misunderstanding.)

4. That thing where you judge yourself against other people (and judge other people, period) is so much a part of the dance world. Maybe not more so than in other areas, maybe it's just more physical and obvious. With a wall of mirrors in front of you, you look around and think "Well, I'm not the best here but I'm better than her, and her, and her..." And I do it. It's just such a competetive field, it's really hard to break out of that mentality.

In other news, I'm going on a walking trip in two weeks. I'm a bit nervous but super excited. If all goes as planned, I will be walking 80 miles of the 177-mile Offa's Dyke Path, which runs up the border between England and Wales. With Jesus.

And... Thailand in February is starting to look real. Before, it was a thought but I didn't really think it would happen. Now, I'm actually planning it. Whoo-hoo! So excited. (And don't worry, I'm not doing this one on my own ;) I might be a little mad, but not completely.)

>:- ¦

2006-09-28T22:17:00.000+01:00

Why do the Americans and the British have to do everything differently??? It's bad enough when I'm still discovering different spellings after two years, but now I have to learn MUSIC THEORY all over again. They couldn't use logical terms like whole notes, half notes, quarter notes, eighth notes and so on over here. Nooo. They have to call them things like semibreves and crotchets and quinthingymajingy. See, I've forgotten already. GRRR!!!

12 months

2006-09-22T21:17:00.001+01:00

I really wanted to make it through another year at work, but boy is it going to be a challenge.

Leaning on God, I'm up for it.

I think.

In the news

2006-09-18T22:01:00.000+01:00

You know, I always have thoughts I want to blog and somehow I never get around to it. Ah well.

So- we made The Telegraph on Sunday!!! As this is a national paper, that's a whole lot more significant than being in the Salisbury Journal every week, as our students and parents have been. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2006/09/17/nbook17.xml

This article totally rocks. Here it is:

Christopher Booker's notebook
By Christopher Booker

(Filed: 17/09/2006)

Does the 'Lisbon Agenda' lead to learning difficulties?

Last week there was a demonstration outside Salisbury College to protest at the sudden closing down of courses for more than 100 people with learning difficulties. Just before the end of the summer term, Mike Claydon, secretary of the Salisbury Learning Disability Support Group, whose 25-year old son is one of those who has benefited from a horticulture course at the college, received a letter to say that, from the start of the new academic year, the college would no longer be running its Pathway courses for those with learning difficulties or disabilities.

Salisbury is not alone. Similar closures have aroused protests from Cornwall and Bristol to Liverpool and Newcastle. What baffles the students and their families is the nonsense that this makes of official statements. Bill Rammell, the "lifelong learning" minister, only last month called on further education colleges to "improve support for learners with learning difficulties". The Education Secretary, Alan Johnson, has claimed that this "must remain a priority". The Learning and Skills Council, which administers funding for the Department for Education and Skills (DfES), last month insisted on its "serious commitment to this agenda".

Despite these fine words, there has been a decisive shift in Government policy; but it is not easy to discern why. Salisbury College and the DfES both explained last week that the reason for discontinuing courses for those with learning difficulties is that too many were not considered able to "progress" to qualifications or to make an active contribution to the economy. (Some of the Salisbury students had been at the college five years or more.) The DfES claimed that many courses were not up to standard; but Ofsted rated Salisbury College's courses higher than any others on its curriculum.

A clue may lie in the fact that an important source of funding for many of these courses was the European Social Fund (acknowledged on Salisbury College's letterhead). In the past five years it has contributed £100 million to further education in the South-West alone. But early in July an EC regulation, 2006/1081, laid out new priorities for the ESF. The emphasis is on training people to play an active part in the economy, in accordance with the "Lisbon Agenda", designed to transform the EU, by 2010, into "the most competitive, dynamic and knowledge-based economy in the world".

It is significant that the regulation requires member states to help equip the physically disabled to hold down jobs (along with asylum seekers) but makes no reference to those with learning difficulties. As an ardent Europhile, Mr Rammell may wish to deny that the ESF's new priorities have any connection with his department's decision to "re-prioritise" further education funding. But there has been no other explanation for such a dramatic change of policy.

Undoubtedly the closures are causing great distress to thousands of students and their families, deprived of what had been a hugely beneficial service to the community. As Doug Congdon, the campaigns and policy director of Mencap, told me last week: "Without these courses many of these students will be left with nothing to do but stay at home. Closing them down in this way has been a disgrace."

He also points out that, by denying them access to further education, the new policy appears to be in flagrant breach of the Disability Discrimination Act, which will almost certainly be tested by a legal challenge.

Perhaps Mr Rammell would care to provide a rather fuller explanation than we have had so far.

England

2006-08-29T21:21:00.000+01:00

I really love it here in England. I love walking places. I love shopping for food in the market. I love trains, and Clapham Junction. I love the Cathedral and old beautiful churches everywhere you look. I love youth hostels, cheap flights, and travelling on a budget. I love the so-green-I-can-hardly-bear-it countryside. I love tea too. And the National Health Service (more on that later). I have even learned to love shops that close at 5:30 and the absence of Wal-Mart. Grr... why can't everyone I love just move to England?

Home

2006-08-26T09:34:00.000+01:00

Despite my very filthy housemate, I'm really glad to be back in my own space. And Chris and I got the house clean (no thanks to Matt) and now I can cook and take a shower without worrying about catching a disease. Cooking, cleaning, organizing my room... not things I usually enjoy but it feels really good to do them right now. Yea :)

Pluto

2006-08-24T22:11:00.000+01:00

http://edition.cnn.com/2006/TECH/space/08/24/pluto.ap/index.html

OK, a bunch of astronomers can get together and decide Pluto's not a planet anymore? Science cracks me up.

Spam

2006-08-10T02:20:00.000+01:00

I know word verification is really annoying, but not as annoying as someone leaving me the same spam comment every day for the past week or more, so I've turned it on. Sorry.

Location

2006-07-27T20:10:00.000+01:00

FYI: I'm in the US. I'll be in Canton/Akron in a couple weeks.

(Sigh) I forgot what it's like to be carded. I hate looking like I'm 18.

piccies

2006-07-22T13:45:00.000+01:00

Flickr site updated... more to come next month as I've used up my quota for this month. I can't believe I haven't uploaded photos since last summer! Shame on me.

link to the right -------------->

Playing in the rain

2006-07-22T13:10:00.000+01:00

That was definitely the most rain I have ever seen in England, it's awesome! I miss storms like this. One clap of thunder and then the skies opened. I just had to go outside. My housemate thought I was mad but he came too :) It took less than a second to be as drenched as if I had jumped into a swimming pool fully clothed. People should play in the rain more often- go outside, holler, spin around with your arms outstretched... try it sometime.

Down the Pub

2006-07-21T23:59:00.000+01:00

Advice of the evening:

Always go with what the landlord drinks and you'll never go wrong.

Why not? Seriously, I'm not sure why I haven't gotten into this whole pub thing sooner. I guess cause I didn't know anyone. Now that I do, I feel like I'm down the pub 3 times a week. Actually, this week I've gone to the pub... 4 times? As I don't like beer on its own, I don't know anything about it, but I've decided to try different types in my shandy to figure out which I like best. The discussion with the landlord came about because I told the barman to pick one for me :)

I'll miss pubs if I move away from England.

Sezen Aksu

2006-07-17T21:13:00.000+01:00

So I went on iTunes to find a world music radio station and had it playing while I was doing some work on the computer. All of a sudden, I realized the song playing was in Turkish. I checked and sure enough, it was Sezen Aksu. That may not sound very exciting to you, but I'm rubbish at learning languages so I thought it was pretty cool that I could recognize Turkish, without a doubt, in a song I wasn't even really listening to. Yea :) Maybe I did absorb something from spending last summer in Turkye. Or maybe I've just listened to too much Turkish pop music since then ;)

btw- I'm having crises every time I write a blog now. Should I write recognize or recognise? Color or colour? Yogurt or yoghurt? I type it, change it, and then change it back again, while I try to remind myself 1) most of my readers are American and 2) which way of spelling it is the American one.

Questions of the not too brilliant variety

2006-07-16T22:18:00.000+01:00

I am trying to think of a way to write this post that does not sound irritable. I'm not coming up with anything, so forgive me if it does.

OK- every time I meet someone and they ask me what I do/where I work, and I tell them that I work with (mentally) disabled students, they say, "That must be really challenging." Or they say, "That must be challenging, but rewarding." It's just recently started to get on my nerves. Why is that everyone's first reaction? Is it because they've never met any disabled people and for some reason think they're all "challenging?" I think teenagers are challenging but I don't say, "wow, your job must be really challenging," every time I meet a high school teacher.

When people ask me "Is that really challenging?" I've started responding, "Yes, but not because of the students." People who work in this field do it because they enjoy it. So my personal advice would be: don't respond in this way when you meet someone. If they work with people with disabilities they probably love it, and it's more likely that they find YOU challenging.

Does anyone else work in a "challenging" field and get this response all the time? What do you think? Feel free to comment and disagree with me.

But while I'm on the subject of annoying questions, I've remembered the thoughts I meant to blog a couple weeks ago. On July 4th, I taught some line dance at a party for the ladies from the mum and toddlers group at church. Why do married people ask single people if they have a fiancé, a boyfriend, any romance, as soon as they meet them? When you think about it, it's actually very, very odd. Single people don't ask each other personal questions like that the moment they are introduced. (Unless they're trying to get a date of course.) Now, I'm really fine with being single right now. I'm not hung up about it, I'm not embarrassed about it, I'm not jealous. But it was really annoying having young mums asking me all evening if I had a boyfriend or any prospects. After awhile, I was tempted to yell, "HAHA!!! I'm free to travel the world and do what I want to do without having to worry about anyone but myself! You're not! So there! Ha!"

Of course, I didn't say that. I smiled and said, no, no boyfriend.... nope, no one has swept me off my feet ... no, no one is trying to either...

Yeah, way to make someone feel lousy. Though I wonder if maybe, subconsciously, that was the point. Maybe marriage and kids has not made them as happy as they thought they would, and maybe they're the ones who are jealous of me. Hmm...

whoa

2006-07-10T18:54:00.000+01:00

I just realized something . . . I'm living in England! How cool is that? And I've been to 3 foreign countries (other than England) in the past 2 years (Turkey twice), at minimal expense. That's really quite, well, incredible. Praise God for his super cool blessings!

Let go and fall

2006-07-03T18:42:00.000+01:00

Three more days of saying goodbye to students . . .
I will not make it through this week on my own strength.
What a great time to put aside my pride and just let God carry me.

Tribute

2006-06-29T20:21:00.000+01:00

This is a tribute to a few of my colleagues, from whom I am learning so much; and who are just an amazing bunch of people.

Gill: So much wisdom and experience that I haven't taken enough advantage of. She's worked so hard over 10 years to build the department and the Pathways programme- to then have it all wiped away in the blink of an eye, and to handle it the way she is... I hope I learn to have that kind of perspective as I get older. She's not wallowing in self-pity, she's not placing blame, she's not even downtrodden and despondant. She's just motivated to do everything within her power to see that every individual's right to education is recognized. I just can't believe how she is dealing with everything that is going on with such grace.

Charlotte: Charlotte is... absolutely amazing. Everyone comes to her any time they have a question or problem, and yet she still responds with patience. She is always ready to listen. She carries everyone's burdens, and never unloads hers onto us. And somehow, despite being leant on by so many people and undervalued by everyone else, she is always full of joy and brings smiles and laughter into every situation. Any time I have been upset, she has always been there to listen, to talk, to encourage. So... selfless. All these words I've written are so inadequate to express how remarkable she is, and how blessed I am to work with her.

Karen: Someone else who's been there for me this year more times that I can count. When I've felt useless and lousy at my job, she's built me up and encouraged me. She always seems to know when to be there to listen, and when to simply change the subject or make you laugh. She feels things deeply, but puts her emotions aside to be strong for other people. Yet I appreciate so much that she shares her emotions at times as well. She's always made me feel valued and respected, and has spoken many words of wisdom (and reality) into my life lately. That is- when we're not verbally abusing or throwing things at each other! ;)

Howard: Oh how he must rue the day he stepped into the role of Programme Team Leader. I don't think he had any idea what he was letting himself in for. But despite being thrown into the world of higher management and having to deal with pettiness, manipulation, insensitivity (ok, I better stop there...), he somehow always remains positive and tries to see the good side of a situation. And I also admire how he is maintaining his integrity through it all. He's having everything thrown at him from all directions and I really don't know how he's dealing with it all. He's been empathetic and encouraging, and I am glad to be working under him. I truly respect and trust him as a leader.

I could go on, but I just work with too many incredible people. In this difficult time, I just thank God that I am part of such a wonderful team that are there for one another. When someone starts falling apart, there's always someone else there to hold them up. And when everyone's falling apart... well, we just cope the best we can, and get out the chocolate biscuits.

Politics

2006-06-28T22:30:00.000+01:00

I will NOT let this world make me cynical.

I'm learning a lot about management politics these past several weeks, and I have to say it's not something I want to learn about. I don't want to learn how to think in devious ways just to survive in the workplace. I don't want to be paranoid that anything I do or say might be turned around and used against me or someone else. And I never EVER want to be in a management position.

The good news is: I only cried once or twice today and I only got angry 3 or 4 times. That's a pretty good day at work right now. Really! Either a) I'm getting better and controlling my emotions and seeing things with a more eternal perspective, or b) I'm too tired and disillusioned to feel much emotion anymore.

Oh wait, this wasn't supposed to be a negative post. Let's see... I am calming down emotionally. I am praying more about situations at work. All my colleagues are upset as well, we are leaning on each other, and this is creating opportunities for sharing my faith. The people I work closely with are individuals I really respect and can learn from. I love our students, and Jesus loves them more, and He will take care of them even when the world neglects or mistreats them.

And to say it again, I choose not to become cynical. Help me with this Lord.

*Oh by the way:
http://www.salisburyjournal.co.uk/search/display.var.801988.0.disabled_see_axe_fall_on_courses.php might clarify things if you're not sure what I'm talking about.

Countryside

2006-06-19T21:03:00.000+01:00

Just when I start to think maybe it's time to give up and go home...

...summer comes...

and England is so...

beautiful

green

breathtaking

And I wonder...

...how I could possibly bear to live in America again

Patriotic?

2006-06-19T20:36:00.000+01:00

I've never been patriotic. I'm not anti-America but I'm not all that enthusiastic about the country either. However, I've recently noticed a difference between patriotism in America and patriotism in England.

In America, the flag tends to be about things like supporting your troops. Sometime's it's more anti-everyone-else than pro-America. It's a lot of things, but more often than not the flag seems to be making some sort of political statement.

These past two weeks or so, there have been England flags everywhere. On people's cars. Hung on the walls of their houses and from their windows. On their t-shirts. Spray painted in their hair.

Why? The World Cup. That's right, patriotism here is all about sport. And I love that. I can't help but get pulled into it, and I don't even like football (or as you know it, soccer). I want to know who's knocked out of the tournament and how teams get to move on to the quarter finals. (I've decided to ask a student tomorrow.) I want to know which teams I'm supposed to hate ;) I'm referring to the England team as "we." The obsession is infectious and I just had to buy an England t-shirt.

Maybe I should give football another chance.

(By the way, this is the England flag. That other thing you're thinking of, the Union Jack, is the flag for the United Kingdom.)

Going up

2006-06-15T21:22:00.000+01:00

... just a bit. Things aren't "better," but I'm finally ready to start making some changes. The other week I finally made it up to the prayer ministry team at church. And I think that was the point when my life started to turn around. I still have some serious work on my relationship with God, and a lot of transforming needs to happen but I've taken the first step.

I went to the women's prayer breakfast at church last Saturday. I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. I still absolutely abhor situations that involve walking into a room where I don't know anyone (or full of people I know only as aquaintances). But I went, and met a few nice people I could speak to the next day.

And tomorrow I'm off camping with a group from the "20s and 30s cluster." I'm rather excited about that. There's not even any rain in the forecast (touch wood).

And, by the way, one of the changes I need to make is to stop moping that no one's really understood how dark things have been and taken me seriously enough to really, I mean really, pray for me. So I'm going to start posting again. As you can see.

Speaking of camping trips, it's bedtime and I haven't started packing. So... later =)

need your help

2006-03-04T12:22:00.000Z

A friend recently sent an email containing an honest 'IM' conversation about his and another friend's struggles and doubts. And it's forced me to see that I also need to be honest about how far away I am from God. Firstly, with myself. It's taken a long time for me to admit it even to myself. And once I did, I needed to confess it to someone else. So I've written the friend, knowing that I am safe from judgement with someone who's also struggling. But I also need help, so I write my confession here.

I'm dead inside. God is nowhere in my life right now. I still thank Him for my food, I still go to church and bible study, I sing to Him, but I'm not leading my life as if He's important. I'm not reading the Word. I'm not praying, not really. I'm not a witness, I'm not reaching out, I'm not showing Him to anyone else with my life. I'm leading a completely selfish life, wrapped up in myself. And getting wrapped up in selfishness is a downward spiral- I can't pull myself out of the negativity and gossip at work, I can't talk to Him because I feel guilty for not doing so before, I don't read His word because it's been so long I think- what's the point now? And it all just presses me further and further down, farther away from Him.

The thing is, alot of the time I feel ok, "happy" even. I can distract myself. When guilt or despair threatens to come too close, I "do" something so I don't have to think about it, so I don't have to face it. I lose myself in a novel. I go out line dancing, I have fun. But it's not fulfilling. This selfish life does not and cannot fulfill me. I know it, but I don't have any motivation to change.

And I know why I am here, too. It's because I don't have the fellowship I need here. I have a great Bible study group that I see 2 or 3 Tuesday evenings out of 4, for an hour or two. And that's it. When I think back to Akron- Univeristy, The Chapel, Mosaic- and how great it was to be surrounded by passionate believers all the time...

But that's what makes me question my faith even more. If my faith only exists when I'm surrounded by Christians, if it can't stand alone- is it good enough? When I talk to someone who's really passionate for God, it inspires me. I want it. And I'm acutely aware that I don't have it. Have I ever really have it, on my own? Was it God who inspired me and motivated me to read the Word and praise Him, or just the faith of others? Why don't I have the passion that other people have? So I find myself asking, has my faith ever been good enough, strong enough, real enough?

I still believe everything I did before, with my head, my mind. I know the Truth. I believe it. But my heart's sick and full of doubt, and I've just been numbing it. Shutting it down, because I don't want to face the questions it has. And as I turn away from the cries of my heart, I shut the door on hope. My friend, in his email, said about hope:
"but with out it I have nothing. As unfulfilling as it has been to have hope yet no rewards, without it I'm still left empty handed. I don't know what there is without hope...apparantly it's nothing cause that what I feel now nothing there is this huge void that is still there despite how much I have been distracting myself from seeing it." I feel like I've been killing hope. This post from m3gan3lizab3th really broke me:
WhAt iS HoPe?
to want? to desire?
to expect that what's envisioned may indeed happen?
YES all of the above. is hope that gut feeling that its worth hanging on for just a little longer?
ABSOLUTELY.
is hope the core of human condition?
CERTAINLY.
Can you have hope without faith,humility and wonder?
THATS TOUGH.
just the thought that there's something bigger, something truer, something totally surprising out there waiting for us is..... priceless.
what would you be without hope growing deep in your bones, thriving in every inch of you?
NOTHING ......

because I don't have hope right now. For anything.

So... I don't know. But I've spiraled so far down that I can't even pray for myself. To fall back on some Jars of Clay lyrics:

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...
frail

So with great struggling with my pride and fear of being judged, I will be frail. To all of you who know, care about, or love me, I admit that I've fallen beyond being able to get back on my own. I desperately need you to reach out with your prayers and pick me up. I can do nothing to be restored. only with His grace, and your help...

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

2006-03-04T10:58:00.000Z

Kimberly posted this on her blog, but I like it, so I'm going to steal it. And, I forwarded it to some people at work and Karen added a few more... for all you Americans who don't know this, Ofsted are the people who come and inspect all the schools (and coming to us in a couple weeks).

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity!

1. At Lunch Time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point your hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. With a serious face, order a diet water whenever you go out to eat.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. Spill coffee on the table and sail a paper boat in it during meetings.
21. Bring a hand puppet to lessons (preferably an animal) during Ofsted and ask it to clarify difficult points.
22. During interviews, offer to arm wrestle the HR manager.
23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, ask yourself 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'

Just a little rant

2006-03-01T17:22:00.000Z

OK, so I finally found something I really miss about America: medicine.

Everytime I feel under the weather I have to go through the horrible experience of going into Boots or the drug aisle of Tescos and stand their bewildered looking for something familiar. Right now, it is cough medicine. Where the heck is cough syrup, just regular cough syrup that tastes horrible and stops you coughing? Do you know they actually have on the medicine bottles "for tickly coughs," as if "tickly" were a medical term? I bought a bottle of something or other, and when I took it discovered that it's basically a bottle of liquid syrup. What the heck is that going to do for my cough? Nothing.

And Ibuprofen. I stock up when I'm in the States, because I always used to buy those huge bottles of 500 tablets. Here, I think I've got the option of buying a box of 16 or maybe a box of 32. OK, that would get me through like a day or two (uh... I'm not a druggy, I swear. Only the most unfortunate females will understand). And Sudafed- they actually do have the brand name Sudafed here. But do they have the little tiny red tablets that work wonders for congestion, without being for sinus headache and everything else? No. Try as I may, I cannot find any (brand name or generic, I don't care) little red tablets. And does any medicine come in a box with more than 8 doses? No.

Maybe Americans are too drugged up. (Or maybe I am.) At least that's what people at work said when I went on a rant this morning. But I don't think that's it, there are plenty of options... just not what I want. And not what I'm used to. And everything else is too confusing. I just want to go into a drugstore and see "Dayquil" "Sudafed" "Advil" "IcyHot" on the shelf.

So that's my sad story. What I miss about America is the drugs.

Notes from the Isle of Wight

2006-02-25T10:43:00.000Z

So I had a BLAST last weekend on the Isle of Wight. I decided that everyone should have the experience of going on holiday with a coach (that means bus) full of British line dancers. What a hoot! I learned a lot of slang, too. Like, they refer to Portsmouth as "Pompy." ("Did you get the ferry from Pompy?" Blank look from Chloe.)

I have to say that Saturday night was probably the most hilarious and humiliating night of my life. You might wonder, how can something be hilarious and humiliating at the same time? Well, the duo that performed that evening were quite 'interactive' with the audience. And they were really funny... except their jokes were all kind of dirty. And guess who got picked on for the whole night? Yeah... so it was laugh hysterically or die of embarrassment right there on the spot. I'm used to being noticible at line dance, being a generation or two younger than everyone else and all. And if not for that, hanging about with Ian is enough to get you noticed (OK, maybe more like goofing off with Ian on the dance floor). However, I'm not used to being the center of attention in quite that way, and when I could have lightened things up, I just froze (and turned red). I think it was good that I had the experience, uncomfortable as it was.

So Sunday night was some self-inflicted center of attention time, and I decided any inhibitions I had about it were wiped out after Saturday! I hate posting song lyrics but here is just the beginning of the song so you can get an idea of the "character" I played for 4 minutes and 6 seconds:

SUDS IN THE BUCKET (sung by Sara Evans)

She was in the backyard - they say it was a little past nine
When her prince pulled up - a white pickup truck
Her folks shoulda seen it comin' - it was only just a matter of time
Plenty old enough - and you can't stop love
She stuck a note on the screen door - "sorry but I got to go"
That was all she wrote - her mama's heart was broke
That was all she wrote - so the story goes

1st Chorus
Now her daddy's in the kitchen - starin' out the window
Scratchin' and a rackin' his brains
How could 18 years just up and walk away?
Our little pony-tailed girl grown up to be a woman
Now she's gone in the blink of an eye
She left the suds in the bucket
And the clothes hangin' out on the line

So I wore a costume of tatty capris, plaid shirt, bare feet, pigtails, and suds in my hair, and ran around causing havoc while people tried to line dance :) Climbing over chairs to sit on Ted's lap, stealing money out of Ian's wallet, putting on fresh lipstick to kiss Andy on the cheek, jumping into John's arms at the end. It was a lot of fun. I could do it because I was "performing" and because it was a character that was completely not me. But it was alot harder because I wasn't performing on a stage, and running around in character, among people I know, was definitely out of the comfort zone. So another stretching experience, though I must say it was a lot more fun- and cleaner- than Saturday night. I'll post a pic when I get one.

And- last thought- I come away feeling more and more thankful for Sarah and Ian, who always treat me as family. I praise You God, for sending me such good friends.

Emily Margaret Tinne

2006-02-14T17:05:00.000Z

Yesterday, in the Walker Art Gallery, I came across a selection of clothing they had displayed, just a few items from the masses of clothing they own, from Victorian times to present day. And the 20s black evening dress on display was owned by none other than my great-grandmother, Emily Margaret Tinne. One of the museum staff came by just then and said something like, "Oh everyone stops and looks at that one, you could wear it today, couldn't you?" So I told him it was my great-grandmothers, and he took me to the computer screen in the corner where you could find out more about each outfit, and it had all kind of information about Emily, and her clothes. Get this- they have over 700 items of her clothing. Apparently she was a major shop-a-holic. With too much money. When she died, her daughter Alexine- that's my great-aunt that I'm visiting here in Liverpool- donated the 50 or so trunks of clothing to the Museum. Many things still have the price tags on! They're having an exibition of her clothes at the end of April- I shall have to make an attempt to come back and see it.

It was really interesting, and really cool to be in a place where I have so much family history, and at the same time kind of mindblowing how she could aquire so much stuff that she never even wore. Is it any wonder I've seen the tendency to buy and hoard more and more stuff, to find security in owning material possesions, passed down through subsequent generations? I hope I never fall into the same pattern...

http://www.liverpoolmuseums.org.uk/walker/craftdesign/puttingstyle/eveningdress.asp

A Passion for Fashion: A Liverpool Lady's Wardrobe
29 April to 30 July 2006
Browse through the fabulous wardrobe of a true shopaholic! Mrs Tinne, bought extensively from many Liverpool shops and dressmakers during the 1920s and '30s. Visitors to this exhibition will be delighted by the array of wonderful daywear, eveningwear, coats, swimwear and accessories she collected and lovingly preserved.
The exhibition will be accompanied by a publication about the Mrs Tinne collection.
http://www.artinliverpool.com/moreinfo/nmlwalkerjan06.htm

Strange experience

2006-02-13T13:34:00.000Z

So it now seems quite normal to be able to get on a plane and in a couple short hours emerge in a different country speaking a foreign language. But yesterday, as I was journeying up to Liverpool, it was quite bizarre to get off to change trains at Newport, less than two hours from Salisbury, and see and hear signs and announcements in another language. I had no idea I was going to be travelling through Wales! The whole thing was kind of strange. Someday soon I'll have to spend more than 30 min in Wales.

And that my friends, is my thuoght for the day.

The moon is my new mascot

2006-02-10T18:20:00.000Z

Yesterday morning when I bowed my head to pray, the words "sun, moon and stars" ran through my mind. I have no idea why. OK Lord, thanks for the sun, the moon and the stars. So I started thinking about those things... they all give light- actually, that's not true. The moon doesn't give off light. The moon reflects light. It has no light in of itself. I don't know why it never occured to me before, but we should be like the moon. Lord, I want to reflect your light and shine your love to those around me.

moved

2006-01-27T17:24:00.000Z

Hi. Been absent from blogging for awhile as Mandy has been visiting the last 2 weeks (yea! :) ). But she's gone now (Boo-hoo :( ).

I moved. Email me if you want my new address.

I'm knackered. Will write a more substantial update when I have the energy.

Quote of the month

2006-01-03T16:53:00.000Z

Marci, as she's sitting quietly, snuggled against me while I read the book I got her for Christmas, suddenly interupts:

"Pretend like, when you were reading and reading, pretend like you noticed I wasn't listening anymore."

On the altar

2005-12-17T13:01:00.000Z

Once again, I have placed my dearest dream on the altar.
Though not without tears, I have unclenched my fingers from around it.
I take a breath
close my eyes
step back

and wait

To the Panto

2005-12-14T17:39:00.000Z

Today I had my first pantomime experience! I complained enough over the past couple weeks about never having been to one, as we don't have such silly things in America, so Charlotte wheedled me onto the list as supporting one of the students who was going to Cinderella today. Yes, it was silliness, but what fun! The audience has to hiss and boo the bad guys, and there's always scenes where you have to scream at a character "he's behind you!" They had us chanting, "Buttons you fool, someone's sat on your stool!" The British pantomime is definitely a tradition worth bringing to America!

Monday 19 Dec

2005-12-12T17:54:00.000Z

Hey ... so I really need all your prayers for my audition next Monday. I want this so much, but at the same time I hear Him calling me to lay this dream at His feet. I want to dance- I need to dance- but even more I need His timing. And I need to listen to what He wants, instead of just endlessly asking for Him to give me what I want.

-----but a specific request: I'm supposed to have a solo prepared, and I've been trying and trying to choreograph something, and it's not going well. I've got "All I Can Say" to fall back on, but I just don't think it's good enough for this audition. It's stressing me out, and this should be something I'm looking forward to. I want to go in with a positive attitude. -----

Question: Do you think the Lord would give us what we ask for, if we want it bad enough, even if it's not the best thing for us? From recent experience, I would say yes. (I'm reminded of Brother Andrew's request for a wife.) But I'd like some feedback and thoughts.

Seven Years in Tibet

2005-11-26T09:52:00.000Z

"Christianity and Buddhism have much in common. They are both founded on the belief in happiness in another world and both preach humility in this life. But there is a difference as things are today. In Tibet one is not hunted from morning till night by the calls of 'civilization.' Here one has time to occupy oneself with religion and to call one's soul one's own. Here it is religion which takes up most room in the life of the individual, as it did in olden days in the West."
-Heinrich Harrer

I don't want to start comparing Christianity and Buddhism, but I've had a huge respect for Tibetan monks since a group came to Salisbury for the international arts festival last spring (I think I blogged about it). I was able to attend a workshop with them at the college. I don't believe they know the Truth that matters, but there are some things I think they've got right. Using the arts to worship being one of them. And I just finished reading Seven Years in Tibet and the Tibetans' faith is really amazing. Unwavering. Never doubting. Or at least it was. This is pre-Chinese invasion. I don't know what Tibet is like now, but it is highly probably that they have lost the lifestyle described in the quote above, with the invasion of "civilization."

(I read the book after seeing the film by the way. I recommend the film, as long as you are aware that "based on a true story" means 95% fiction with a tiny sliver of truth. I was a little disappointed when I read the book and realized this. )

Photos taken May 2005, Salisbury Cathedral

POLICEWOMAN SHOT DEAD

2005-11-21T18:17:00.000Z

This was the headline on Saturday's national papers. One policewoman was shot and killed and another injured, I think in West Yorkshire. And that, believe me, is big news. (well it certainly beats Kate Moss's drug problem being front page news for a whole week)

This is the seventh woman police officer to die on duty. Ever. (And only a few of those were intentionally killed). Because they just don't have people running around with guns in this country. Do you know that the police don't even carry guns here? (except for certain armed police) That still blows me away. Can you imagine an American police officer even thinking about going out unarmed? My Gran says she doesn't like watching my American programs (like CSI) because they seem like fairy tales. "Everyone's running around with guns." She can't get her head round it. And in the same way, I keep thinking that the police dramas on telly are set in the past. And then I realize they're not, that today the police force is out there with only a club.

Things like this always make me think, what has gone wrong in America? Why can this nation be utterly shocked by the news of a police officer being killed, while I would have barely blinked an eye? I don't know anything about gun control laws, but what has happened? Why are there so many guns on the street? And why have we accepted it? I am only just realizing that people shooting each other is not normal. So much of it happens in parts of America that I'm desensitized. I'm not shocked at all. (I wonder if this is also due to TV and movies.)

So, I'm not sure if there was a point in there, but I'll just say I'm proud to be a citizen of a country where people aren't getting shot every day. And I hope the police don't have to start rountinely carrying guns.

Yipee!

2005-11-19T13:37:00.000Z

Mandy's coming! Mandy's coming!
Mandy's coming! Mandy's coming!
Mandy's coming! Mandy's coming!
Mandy's coming! Mandy's coming!

A bit calmer

2005-11-18T17:59:00.000Z

Hey ... thanks to everyone who posted some encouragement (here and on xanga). I felt much better after that rant. So thanks for listening.

It's been a much better week. I guess nothing's really changed, but if I avoid thinking about things too much then I'm fine ;) Probably not the best solution, but all I can manage right now.

I am actually dreading being in Cincinnati for Christmas. I've been able to avoid dealing with my parents' divorce until now, but everything's going to hit me full force when I get there. Them both being in new relationships. My family not being together for the holidays. Being put in the middle, having to split my time ... ok, I'm getting depressed again thinking about it. I really don't want to deal with it. But we can't avoid things forever. Well, we can, but it's not very healthy.

So I'm going to be really glad to escape to Akron/Canton for a couple days ... Is anyone going to the New Year's Eve thing at the Green Campus? I should be there :)

Our students make me smile :) How can it not melt your heart when a young lady is bouncing around with her little curls going "You're wonderful you are! And you're lovely! You're the best!" Or a quiet student sitting next to you taps you on the shoulder and says "You're very pretty Chloe." Or when someone wants me to watch them swim a length in the pool and tell them how well they did. Or students who can't speak but communicate so clearly through dance and mime. And are really, really good at it. Or the student who kept barging into our staff meeting to collect our coffee cups (he didn't care if we were finished or not!). They're so lovely and really help you keep your sense of humor. (And I'll just leave it there, with only the positives ;) )

#*%@

2005-11-12T10:56:00.000Z

OK, my optimism has failed me. Everything sucks. Living with my Gran sucks, and that seems to be because I suck. My parents are divorced and Christmas is going to suck. Men suck. Relationships suck. It sucks that I'm not dancing. My job doesn't suck, but my employer definitely sucks. Thinking about the future sucks. All these things happening at once- that sucks. Not having anyone to talk to in England sucks. My selfish life sucks.

If you post any cliche comments about how much Jesus loves me or the joy of the Lord or hope or that everything will be fine, then you suck too. I know all that, right now I just need to kick and scream. I'm angry, I'm stressed, I'm hurting, I'm confused. Approach at your own risk.

Latitude

2005-11-11T18:28:00.000Z

So, being farther north on the globe than Ohio... I'm still not quite sure how I feel about this. The plus side is that in the middle of the summer it's still light at 10:00, which is awesome. Of course, I kind of missed that by going to Turkey for the summer. And at the moment, it's completely dark by the time I finish work at 5:00 (maybe I should say 17:00). And there's still over a month to go before we get to the shortest days, when it's dark by about 4:00. It's really depressing, and kind of scary too. Shops here close at 5 or 5:30, so it's pretty deserted when I'm walking home after the library closes (email is my lifeline!) at 7, or after my course at work on thursdays finishes at 9, or walking up to line dance at 8 on wednesdays... it's funny, I never worried to much about walking around the ghetto of CrAkron at 10:00 at night, but walking through Salisbury at 6:30 is just plain creepy. Anyhow, I guess my point was- it's dark really really early and I don't like it.

Can I go back?

2005-11-04T17:49:00.000Z

I want to go back to University. I'll even write all the stupid papers and reviews, just let me start every day with an hour and a half of ballet, and then go on dancing until 10:00 at night. I didn't want to leave because I knew I was not likely to have such an opportunity again. I loved it, and I still long to be dancing all day, every day. When I dance, I am at home. I am doing what I was created to do. For four years, I was able to experience dance as my life. It was natural, it was right. I want it back.

(I know I'm throwing a bit of a temper tantrum here)

Questions

2005-10-29T14:12:00.000+01:00

So I went to Istanbul looking for an answer.

OK . . . more like looking to confirm the answer I thought I had.

What I found was a lot of questions.

I wanted certainty and came away more uncertain than ever, but I'm OK with that. I rejoice in the life lessons I am learning, the things I need to process, and the way God is growing and maturing me. I see Him in all these experiences, even unpleasant ones. He is good, and His hand is guiding me.

Hope renewed

2005-10-19T17:58:00.000+01:00

Shortly after getting back from Turkey, a couple things happened that caused hope to be reborn in my heart, after releasing an unfulfilled hope I had been holding on to for too long. And I found that I was afraid of it. One of these things was seeing an advertisement for a Xian dance company in London looking for a couple dancers. At first my heart soared, but then I found I was telling myself it was a long shot. That it wouldn't happen, I'm out of shape, they'll be too good, etc. Actually, I'm still struggling with trying to protect my heart against this hope. I shouldn't do this- I must hope. (By the way, I took company class with them 2 weeks ago and I will be invited to the audition in December.)

In the other thing, I have dared to hope. I find that as it comes closer to being realized, hope fills my heart until I feel as if I will burst. Doubt tries to creep in, but I choose to believe. I believe Lord, that you will give me the desires of my heart! I will hope, though the anticipation is overwhelming me. Though the deferring of hope is stretching me until I can stretch no more. Though the denial may crush me. Though the reality may be different than the dream.

I will hope.

Update

2005-10-15T15:21:00.000+01:00

Hey ... It's been awhile. Sorry about that (for anyone who actually checks my blog). So, a quick update.

I started a new job. I'm still at Salisbury College, but now I'm a Teaching Assistant. I'm pretty exhausted, partly because of the longer hours, and partly just because it's difficult. It's a newly created post so it's really frustrating trying to figure out exactly what my role is.

As of Tuesday, my parents are divorced, just 4 short months after things hit the fan. I know I haven't posted anything about this yet- just that ambiguous post about needing a hug. My dad's not coping so well- please pray for him. He's started going to church again (churches that actually preach the truth rather than the one we went to while I was growing up), and I really pray this whole awful situation leads him to see his need for Jesus.

My happy news is that next Saturday I'm going to Istanbul for a week :) I'm really excited. I know I just got back from Turkey ... but my time on the library computer is up so I'll just have to post all about it when I get back.

Current state of emotions

2005-09-17T10:43:00.000+01:00

Overwhelmed . . . hopeful . . . confused . . . excited . . . terrified . . . some other stuff . . .

Culture Shock

2005-09-01T14:22:00.000+01:00

This home of mine is strange to me. I don't understand why everyone is speaking English. What's up with the accent? And where is the sun? You can't handle the heat? What? I can't remember which coins are which. I can now seek people's eyes as I walk down the street, but they don't look at me; they don't smile. Bananas? Is that the most exciting fruit we can come up with? Why do I have so many clothes in my closet? And for goodness sakes, why are that girl's breasts popping out of her shirt?

I walk the streets I've walked for a year. Wasn't I just here? Why does everything seem as if I haven't gone anywhere, yet is so different?

Bishop Ken still watches as I walk by and blesses me from the wall of the Cathedral. I breathe in the smell of roses and enjoy the soft green grass. The welcome sound of rain and thunder comforts me. A cup of tea, Gran doing her crosswords, Ian on the phone . . . so familiar, so why does it feel so foreign? Isn't this a place I belong, a place I feel at home? A place I love? Isn't this the country I could feel in my blood?

Where did it go?

2005-08-30T08:35:00.000+01:00

Time has snuck up on me and I find myself at the beginning of my last day in Turkey. I feel like throwing myself on the ground in a big temper tantrum and screaming, "I don't want to go home! I'm not ready!" I really didn't realize until yesterday that my time here is up, and haven't prepared myself emotionally to leave. Someone even asked me to stay another week, (to work on a dance project!), and it broke my heart to say no, I really can't, I have to be back for work.

I know I'll be back, I just don't know when, or why, or for how long . . .

Cappadocia

2005-08-28T17:03:00.000+01:00

So I just got back from two days in Cappadocia, and it was AWESOME! And what made it so amazing was people. Instead of rushing around trying to see everything since I only had a short time, I decided to take time and talk to people. To accept the cups of Turkish tea that are offered, even if it is only because someone is trying to sell me something. To sit down and talk when asked to. After checking into a pansiyon in Uchisar, I started walking to Goreme. I came to a place that advertised a panoramic view, so I went to take a photo and see if they had anything to eat. Only ice cream. OK, ice cream for breakfast it is. When I asked how much a scarf cost, I was offered chai. When I bought a scarf, I was invited to sit down with the family, they were finishing their breakfast. I took their photos and they gave me their address so I can send them copies. And when I headed off to Goreme, they sent their son off to guide me through the valley. So off we go, climbing down the rocks, me with my Turkish-English dictionary, trying to communicate and not feeling so self-conscious about it with a child. Anyhow, the whole thing just made my day. And the trip was filled with such experiences (not all good, but mostly), all because I wasn't afraid to talk to people. It was a fantastic two days.

And . . . riding a scooter through Cappadocia has to be the best thing ever.

Trip

2005-08-26T18:39:00.000+01:00

Whoo-hoo, I love traveling! I took an overnight bus to Cappadocia and got here this morning, and it's been a blast all day. Before I left, I really would have preferred someone to come with me, but now I'm glad to be on this little trip just me and Jesus. More to come, now I'm off to a scooter lesson :)

Msg for April

2005-08-25T08:32:00.000+01:00

April, what's up with your blog? I can't get to it.

"Gravity"

2005-08-23T13:40:00.000+01:00

(I have had my Alison Krauss CD (Lonely Runs Both Ways) for 6 months now and I still wonder how I lived 24 1/2 years without it. Thanks Sarah.)

And the people who love me still ask me
When are you coming back to town?
And I answer, quite frankly, when they stop building roads . . .
And all God needs is gravity to hold me down
-"Gravity"- Alison Krauss and Union Station

OK, so maybe I'm not that much of a wanderer, but I feel the sentiment pulling at me. What's next? Where can I go? What beautiful places are out there for me to see, what cultures to experience? At the same time, I feel the desire to build a home and a life somewhere.

Who will be my gravity?

Family

2005-08-19T23:11:00.000+01:00

I need to spend more time with Christian families. This week, I have shared some meals/evenings with a family that lives and "works" here in Antalya and it has been awesome. Since I don't, from my own experience, have an example to follow of raising children in a godly way, I ought to experience some of the ways other parents do this, so that I have a model to look to when I have my own family to raise. It was so cool to be a part of this family's nightly Bible story and question time after dinner, and it blew me away the questions a 7 year old child could answer. And it was incredibly humbling and embarrassing to see that these kids know more about the Bible than I do. I hope those of you who were raised in the Word, with godly parents as examples of how to live, know how blessed you are. I am realizing that I don't really know what a Christian family looks like at all, but I am grateful that God has provided us with a church family that we can learn from and hopeful that He will give me more such opportunities when I return to England.

Chronicles of Narnia

2005-08-10T18:37:00.000+01:00

I don't know when the last time I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe was, but it must have been before I really had an understanding of the Christian faith, because I don't remember the metaphor being so clear. I read it the other day, and I actually feel like I have a better understanding of what Jesus did for me. Satan has said to Him, because of the rules YOU yourself have put in place, I claim this woman's blood; because of her crimes, she belongs to me. And Jesus has stepped forward, and volunteered His blood in place, He said, "I'll do it. I'll accept her punishment. Take me in her place." I know all this of course, but reading the story made it just a little bit more real.

PS For the Antalya short-termers, if anyone is reading this (are any of ya'll reading this?):
Mon night I took Turkan to Fezih's restaurant (sorry I don't know how to spell his name) but he wasn't there :( But they sure were playing that same wretched CD . . .

PPS Some more Turkey pics up: www.flickr.com/photos/chloelt

Hope deferred

2005-07-30T12:46:00.000+01:00

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" -Pr 13:12

Right now I am really struggling with this scripture. I just don't understand how to protect your heart from the pain of an unfulfilled hope. Should we not dare to hope for anything unless we are 100% sure it is God's will? There are longings and hopes I hold deep in my heart, and they are only making me sick . . . but I can't seem to let go of them. And it doesn't seem right to just because they don't seem probable. The Word also tells us to pray with faith, that if we really believe God will grant our requests. What is the answer? To hope or not to hope?

Pics to go with "Kaleiçi" post

2005-07-27T23:15:00.000+01:00

I got some film developed so here are a couple photos!

A view of Kaleiçi at night

And Iowa, my adorable, um, I mean, tough and formidable, posse of bodyguards ;)

Drew, Misch, and Eli

Pants (and I don't mean underwear)

2005-07-27T21:54:00.000+01:00

I love this country. This week I bought a pair of linen trousers and they shortened them for me, right then and there. 15 minutes, no extra charge, and I had a pair of pants that FIT, meaning I didn't have to take a pair of scissors to them when I got home! I think I'll shop for more pants while I'm here.

London & 9/11

2005-07-24T22:30:00.000+01:00

Just some short thoughts and observations about what happened in London (per Eric's request).

I don't really want to compare the 2 events as the bombings in London were not even close to the scale of the September 11 attacks. People still feel it deeply when it hits so close to home, but I think this will be forgotten much more easily than 9/11. The hardest thing for me was the memories of 9/11 that all the news footage brought back.

I did, however, notice a huge cultural difference in the reaction of the people I was around, compared to Americans' reactions in 2001. Some of my co-workers were really upset, crying just because it was so horrible, not because they knew anyone in London. So I got a room in the library to pray, and invited everyone in the department, about 20-25 people. Only one woman came, and she is a Christian. And this really surprised me. In America, so many people joined our prayers on campus and at church, so many that didn't believe. They flocked to churches for answers. They looked to God for comfort, even if they weren't really sure what they believed about Him. Most Americans call themselves Christians, even if they don't know what that means. In Britain, you don't get non-believing churchgoers. Those who aren't Christian know that they're not. I knew this, but still it surprised me when no one came to pray. And made me very, very sad. As Carol, who prayed with me, remarked, "Where do people who don't believe go for comfort? Who do they turn to?" Well, they go to the pub so they don't have to think about it. And I despair, because how do you reach a people who don't seem to want answers? They don't seem to need the hope that there's someone out there to hear them. They ask "Why?" but they don't seem to need anyone to ask it to. They're content to either drown their questions or make up their own answers. They turn off the television so they don't have to think about it. I can only pray that sooner or later, the questions become unavoidable and they have to face them. And I hope I can be there to show them the One who has the answers.

Kaleiçi (Old City)

2005-07-24T21:15:00.000+01:00

Can I just say how much I love walking around Kaleçi at night? I'm so glad I was able to drag Iowa (the collective name of the 3 Iowa boys) out last night to wander. It brings back memories of walking through the same streets with my team 4 years ago. I love the people trying to get you to come eat in their restaurant or buy their merchandise, and the old buildings and narrow streets you can get lost in. The quote of the evening was from a guy sitting outside his jewelry store who said to us as we walked by, "Hello, I would like to take your money. Tell me how can I do this?" That was one of the best things I've heard in a long time. Anyhow, I feel very blessed that there are people here that allow me to enjoy Kaleçi at night as I can't walk around on my own (or rather, it would be highly unwise to do so). I hope to take advantage of this as much as possible this week before Iowa leaves. These gentlemen also make me miss college very much, hanging out in dorms and ministry houses, listening to people jamming on the guitar, etc. I often wish I could go back, stupid papers and all.

And this is where I wish my camera was digital so I could post some pics.

1 week down

2005-07-19T16:57:00.000+01:00

Hey all! Turkey is beautiful, though very very hot, but I guess you get used to having sweat constantly dripping off you. Anyhow, just wanted to post a quick update on what I've been up to this week.

There's lots of short-termers here from several different places, so there's been a lot of cool people to work and hangout with. However, I didn't really come here to spend all my time hanging out with Americans, and they're all leaving at the end of the month anyhow, so hopefully I will start making more connections with Turkish people. I did spend all Thursday afternoon and evening with my friend Turkan, and it was awesome to see her after 4 years. There's been a few moments of just seeing how things have come full circle, where it's like, wow, I'm really back here. Wed was a service for all the short-termers here for the summer and we sang "God of Wonders," and the memories came flooding back of worshiping to that song with my team at Aspendos. At the same time, God's been reminding me that this is NOT going to be like my last trip. I tried not to have expectations for this summer, but I think I did have memories and images from my experience of Turkey rather than the place itself, and this summer is going to be a very different experience.

Speaking of Aspendos, I got to go back there on Friday night with the groups, and see the ballet Don Quixote. Awesome. And Saturday was a trip out to the ruins at Termessos, which was also really cool, and I was glad for a bit of hiking as I'd been feeling the need for some exercise. Oh, and this morning I had my first swim in the Mediterranean :)

In terms of work, last week I worked with a group from Texas doing a kid's camp at the Cultural Center for a few hours each morning. This week, if it ever gets sorted out, we should be doing some stuff with kids out in a village. I'm also leading some English conversation groups, which I find challenging, but they're going fine. And I'm spending some time training in the coffee house because when one of the volunteers leaves at the end of the month I'll be taking over in there for August.

So that's kind of what I've been doing so far, next time maybe I will have some deep insight or reflection to post ;)

Hello from Turkiye!

2005-07-13T15:29:00.000+01:00

Just thought I would post to say I am safe and well here in Antalya. I have been kept busy so far with kids camp, teaching English conversation classes, and meeting people. So this afternoon I finally have a chance to wander around and explore! I'll try to keep this updated often, but keep me in your prayers. I think this will be a challenging summer.

London

2005-07-07T15:26:00.000+01:00

Well, I had planned to post about how proud I was of London for winning the 2012 Olympic bid, but now I just ask you to pray.

July 4

2005-07-04T15:40:00.000+01:00

Happy Independence Day everyone! Unfortunately I had to go to WORK because it is not a holiday here. But at least I will celebrate it at a line dance tonight. It's funny, quite a few line dancers are a heck of a lot more patriotic than I am (which isn't saying much). Except I mean patriotic towards America, which is a bit weird. Well, at least they think I'm cool because I'm from America and America is great. I wish I could share their enthusiasm, but I'm more likely to roll my eyes.

I am, however, enthusiastic about country music, and British country music just shouldn't happen. The accent really doesn't work.

:(

2005-06-20T16:25:00.000+01:00

I feel far away and alone, and I don't bloody have anyone to give me a hug.

Huh?

2005-06-10T15:35:00.000+01:00

Maybe this is horrible of me, but sometimes I think instead of being creative, uninhibited, and thinking outside of the box, artists are just trying to be as weird and abstract as possible.

Turkey

2005-06-04T11:16:00.000+01:00

I've bought my ticket, there's no turning back now. I will be in Turkey from July 10- August 31!

Tibetan Monks

2005-05-27T18:50:00.000+01:00

Yesterday afternoon at work (I love my job) I got to go to a Tibetan Arts Workshop, and it was fantastic. I was completely awestruck by what I saw and learned. They did some dance, some music, some hand gestures- which were incredibly beautiful, and showed us how they do some of their arts such as sand mandalas, ink printing and butter sculptures. Anyhow, what was so inspiring was how they used the arts to pr-- and worship. They have these prayers that they chant with the hand gestures, they use the musical instruments to aid in clearing their mind to meditate, they print prayers on silk flags and hang them all over the place, they do so many creative things to act out and symbolize their requests . . . why does the chu-- have so much trouble figuring out what to do with the arts? Why are they so separate? The arts are such an integral part of these monk's worship- there is so much Chr---ians could learn from them. Sadly, most never will look to other religions to find the good points, the things they've got right.

And then today I got to go to an African hand drumming workshop- also brilliant. Like I said, I love my job :) (this week anyhow ;) ) Now I'm off to see the Monks and then the drummers perform in the opening for Salisbury International Arts Festival- two weeks of art and culture! Whoo-hoo!

Swan Lake

2005-05-25T10:10:00.000+01:00

I didn't mean for England to sound bad- I love it here! I'll have to put more conscious effort into posting about all the wonderful things as well.

Saturday I went to see the Royal Ballet do Swan Lake at the Royal Opera House in Covent Garden! It was so amazing. I was just sitting there thinking, "Wow, I am actually in London watching the Royal Ballet perform my favorite ballet and it only took me a couple hours to get here. Why didn't I do this sooner?" I've never seen such wonderful scenery. I teared up during the Act II adagio and didn't think anything could top it, but then the end of Act III always does with all it's drama, Odette in the window, Odile and Von Rothbart laughing wickedly, and Sigfried (daft as he is- how does he mistake this evil woman in black accompanied by this very dodgy bloke and some demons for the swan-woman he fell in love with the day before?) throwing himself on the floor in despair. I love it.

I went up with Sarah and Ian- they had never seen a ballet before and they really enjoyed it. Afterwards we went to the Rainforest Cafe for dinner- that's two down, Nashville and London! Anyhow, it was a smashing day- a fabulous end to a very difficult week.